BIO: I was raised by severely sarcastic chipmunks. Really snotty ones. As a child, I scraped out an existence fighting the neighborhood squirrels for their nuts. This pissed them off because they didn’t like people going for their privates. Later, I moved to the city and eked out a living rolling old ladies for pocket change. It didn’t pay much, but it was honest work. I still recall, on rare occasions, grandma would sometimes have fight left in her and she’d pop up and chase me through the unspoiled streets of Janesville, Wisconsin … O2 tank in tow.

 

But alas, Darwin was right. Often, after only a few blocks, Grandma (who stopped working out in ’53) would peter out and I remember watching with what can only be described as a mixed feeling of respect and hilarity as she'd crash face-first into the asphalt. Oh, those heady times. Then I’d sell her tank for scrap.

 

Time went on. After serving a dime for leaving 10,000 Slinkies on the escalator at the Rock County 911 Building, I become the 39th president of the United States (look it up), but was later forced from office when it was discovered I could not (as I’d confidently promised in my campaign) provide a 52” plasma big screen with surround-sound to “each and every God-fearing American.” Later on, I invented the Internet.

 

But in the end, the stress of all that came before would take an ugly toll. Black became the color of the day and soon events lead to some surprisingly poor decisions (this was really surprising because I was rock-solid up until now) that sent me spiraling catastrophically and uncontrollably downward into a deep, dark and inescapable existential abyss lined with torturous personal and professional tragedy. They even stopped making Twinkies for a while. Life was absolute hell.

 

So, I turned to music. You know ... why not? :-)